I had a much needed coffee (actually it was tea) with my best friend today. We talked a lot. The way things are going he's breaking up, and I am having second thoughts about my almost perfect relationship. And by second thoughts I mean that I feel useless and insecure, like I'm so unable to offer anything besides sex and affection, my lover is eventually going to realize it and break up with me. Then again, I have PMS, so it's probably a whole lotta bullshit, but let's just mention it for history's sake, and to make a good introduction for what I am going to say below.
So about a month ago (it's been a month already? fuck) I started taking some weird ass alternative medicine stuff to prevent me from stressing. It's actually essential oils mixed with a tad of brandy. My first thoughts were that I was gonna get addicted to them, but so far I have been using them with admirable moderation. True story.
What triggered my decision to "medically" - if this is considered medication - treat my stress problems was a very frustrating visit to a doctor with my parents for a cold I had. After enough digging through my personal affairs I ended up bursting into tears and not talking to my parents for a week or two or more, I don't remember. Then I crashed the car so everything went back to normal. There's nothing better to remind you that you should cherish people you care about than a material disaster. People can't be repaired.
So yeah, that's when I decided to try these anti-stress oils. I mean before the acccident, after the incident. Aren't I lovely. So yeah I don't know if it was them or the fact that I listen to a little too much Aznavour but I did realize something.
When I was younger, I was so success-oriented. I was a great student, I had carreer plans, I wanted to go out there and make bussiness and money. And after a year of sincere lovin', I became what I hated: a whore. Not a real whore. More like a woman you doesn't worry much 'cause there's a man around for everything she needs.
And that is how I became a person with no goals in life. I slowly lost interest in school - I was never into it that much anyways - and began to sink in a lifestyle of boredom and lack of vitality. Is that the right word? I realized that one of the reasons I despised life so much was because I didn't have a use for it. I was waiting for other people to give my life meaning. And thus, I decided to set a goal for me to achieve, and a rather hard one too. I asked myself what would make me proud of me, and I took that decision. All I can say to you dear reader, is that I can't tell you what my goal is, until I start working on it. Not only to avoid embarrassing myself, but also because I have a tendency to lack spirit when I announce something I am going to do. And that's about it.
So if you learned something today, let it be this: if your life has no meaning, just pick an impossible task and start working towards it. If you fail, you will have harvested the fruits of your effort, and you will be able to tell yourself in pride: "At least I tried".
