I am back - as you could have guessed by the lack of posts, dear reader, I haven't had any suicidal thoughts for a while so I forgot about this blog a little. I don't remember when was my last post or what was it about, so I'll talk about my life during the last months, hoping I won't be repeating myself, since I have the principal of not reading previous posts before actually posting.
I had some man problems in February. I don't know if I still do. Long story short, my crystal clear trust was covered in shit and I can't say I have 100% recovered yet. I wasn't cheated on, but I was hurt, in many ways. And that was something completely new for me, in this relationship I'm in. But things are getting better, since I'm gonna be moving in with my boyfriend in a month or so, and this will most likely be the final judge of things. For the time being, I'm plain ok.
That aside, I was a little traumatized by a book I read. As if I needed another thing telling me life is futile - here comes that book and everything falls apart in my brain again.
I was raised religiously enough. As I grew older and older, I started realizing how possible it is that nothing is true about any religion. I don't know if this is exactly considered atheism. I am more in a situation where I am actually afraid I'm gonna turn into an atheist.
The reason why this happens to me is because I start to believe that since I am, definitely, going to die, if there is no afterlife, my actual "life" has no meaning at all. The more I think about it, the more I see no reason in getting through so many hardships, to end up dying. Even if a become a hero, even if I build an empire or a legacy, when I die, nothing will matter to me. At all. It will matter to the living, but NOT to me. And what if the living are just a fiction of my existence? Does my world die with me, since nothing matters to myself after my death? Is what I am saying egoistic? I can't understand.
I think that a part of me still believes in religion. I think I believe in something. But the fear that compels me is that the reason why I believe is because I need to. And if there really is nothing when our bodies become ashes, then, much as this is a cliché, the only meaning to life, is love. Don't die, because the ones you love will be devastated. Don't die, because they need you. Don't die, because unlike you, they want to live.
And right now I think I should really see a psychologist.
vendredi 8 avril 2011
dimanche 6 février 2011
Créer des buts
I had a much needed coffee (actually it was tea) with my best friend today. We talked a lot. The way things are going he's breaking up, and I am having second thoughts about my almost perfect relationship. And by second thoughts I mean that I feel useless and insecure, like I'm so unable to offer anything besides sex and affection, my lover is eventually going to realize it and break up with me. Then again, I have PMS, so it's probably a whole lotta bullshit, but let's just mention it for history's sake, and to make a good introduction for what I am going to say below.
So about a month ago (it's been a month already? fuck) I started taking some weird ass alternative medicine stuff to prevent me from stressing. It's actually essential oils mixed with a tad of brandy. My first thoughts were that I was gonna get addicted to them, but so far I have been using them with admirable moderation. True story.
What triggered my decision to "medically" - if this is considered medication - treat my stress problems was a very frustrating visit to a doctor with my parents for a cold I had. After enough digging through my personal affairs I ended up bursting into tears and not talking to my parents for a week or two or more, I don't remember. Then I crashed the car so everything went back to normal. There's nothing better to remind you that you should cherish people you care about than a material disaster. People can't be repaired.
So yeah, that's when I decided to try these anti-stress oils. I mean before the acccident, after the incident. Aren't I lovely. So yeah I don't know if it was them or the fact that I listen to a little too much Aznavour but I did realize something.
When I was younger, I was so success-oriented. I was a great student, I had carreer plans, I wanted to go out there and make bussiness and money. And after a year of sincere lovin', I became what I hated: a whore. Not a real whore. More like a woman you doesn't worry much 'cause there's a man around for everything she needs.
And that is how I became a person with no goals in life. I slowly lost interest in school - I was never into it that much anyways - and began to sink in a lifestyle of boredom and lack of vitality. Is that the right word? I realized that one of the reasons I despised life so much was because I didn't have a use for it. I was waiting for other people to give my life meaning. And thus, I decided to set a goal for me to achieve, and a rather hard one too. I asked myself what would make me proud of me, and I took that decision. All I can say to you dear reader, is that I can't tell you what my goal is, until I start working on it. Not only to avoid embarrassing myself, but also because I have a tendency to lack spirit when I announce something I am going to do. And that's about it.
So if you learned something today, let it be this: if your life has no meaning, just pick an impossible task and start working towards it. If you fail, you will have harvested the fruits of your effort, and you will be able to tell yourself in pride: "At least I tried".
So about a month ago (it's been a month already? fuck) I started taking some weird ass alternative medicine stuff to prevent me from stressing. It's actually essential oils mixed with a tad of brandy. My first thoughts were that I was gonna get addicted to them, but so far I have been using them with admirable moderation. True story.
What triggered my decision to "medically" - if this is considered medication - treat my stress problems was a very frustrating visit to a doctor with my parents for a cold I had. After enough digging through my personal affairs I ended up bursting into tears and not talking to my parents for a week or two or more, I don't remember. Then I crashed the car so everything went back to normal. There's nothing better to remind you that you should cherish people you care about than a material disaster. People can't be repaired.
So yeah, that's when I decided to try these anti-stress oils. I mean before the acccident, after the incident. Aren't I lovely. So yeah I don't know if it was them or the fact that I listen to a little too much Aznavour but I did realize something.
When I was younger, I was so success-oriented. I was a great student, I had carreer plans, I wanted to go out there and make bussiness and money. And after a year of sincere lovin', I became what I hated: a whore. Not a real whore. More like a woman you doesn't worry much 'cause there's a man around for everything she needs.
And that is how I became a person with no goals in life. I slowly lost interest in school - I was never into it that much anyways - and began to sink in a lifestyle of boredom and lack of vitality. Is that the right word? I realized that one of the reasons I despised life so much was because I didn't have a use for it. I was waiting for other people to give my life meaning. And thus, I decided to set a goal for me to achieve, and a rather hard one too. I asked myself what would make me proud of me, and I took that decision. All I can say to you dear reader, is that I can't tell you what my goal is, until I start working on it. Not only to avoid embarrassing myself, but also because I have a tendency to lack spirit when I announce something I am going to do. And that's about it.
So if you learned something today, let it be this: if your life has no meaning, just pick an impossible task and start working towards it. If you fail, you will have harvested the fruits of your effort, and you will be able to tell yourself in pride: "At least I tried".
dimanche 9 janvier 2011
La récré
The reason why I'm writing right now is because I really really need a break. I've entered a really bad time of the year - exam period - followed by a really bad cold that I can't shake off. It's almost one week now that I can't breath from my nose without the use of that stupid spray thing that burns the inside of my nostrils. That resulted on a terribly soar throat that I'm trying to cure using some internet recipes, like lemon and honey. I hope it will work, cause losing one week of my life is more than enough.
As time goes by and I'm trying to study, I realise how I keep losing interest in my studies. My father keeps busting my nuts about how I should be studying and focusing on the school, but the truth is that if I could, I would quit this dump. But I'm more than halfway to graduation, so it would be a pity, shoving these 4 years of studying to waste. Yet I should really start thinking want I am going to do next.
One point of view would be that I'm just a lazy person. But I do believe that's not true. I like being busy. I like music, I work out, I would even do volunteer work if I had more time. What makes me lazy is that I have things to do, that I don't want to do.
But I seriously don't want this life. I don't want an everyday routine, an office in a dark corner and an alarm clock set to 7am. Then again who does? But how many of us actually chose not to live like this for the sake of money and comfort? I wish I could do something creative. I really do.
Sadly, that's all I have to say.
As time goes by and I'm trying to study, I realise how I keep losing interest in my studies. My father keeps busting my nuts about how I should be studying and focusing on the school, but the truth is that if I could, I would quit this dump. But I'm more than halfway to graduation, so it would be a pity, shoving these 4 years of studying to waste. Yet I should really start thinking want I am going to do next.
One point of view would be that I'm just a lazy person. But I do believe that's not true. I like being busy. I like music, I work out, I would even do volunteer work if I had more time. What makes me lazy is that I have things to do, that I don't want to do.
But I seriously don't want this life. I don't want an everyday routine, an office in a dark corner and an alarm clock set to 7am. Then again who does? But how many of us actually chose not to live like this for the sake of money and comfort? I wish I could do something creative. I really do.
Sadly, that's all I have to say.