Insignifiant

I am back - as you could have guessed by the lack of posts, dear reader, I haven't had any suicidal thoughts for a while so I forgot about this blog a little. I don't remember when was my last post or what was it about, so I'll talk about my life during the last months, hoping I won't be repeating myself, since I have the principal of not reading previous posts before actually posting.

I had some man problems in February. I don't know if I still do. Long story short, my crystal clear trust was covered in shit and I can't say I have 100% recovered yet. I wasn't cheated on, but I was hurt, in many ways. And that was something completely new for me, in this relationship I'm in. But things are getting better, since I'm gonna be moving in with my boyfriend in a month or so, and this will most likely be the final judge of things. For the time being, I'm plain ok.

That aside, I was a little traumatized by a book I read. As if I needed another thing telling me life is futile - here comes that book and everything falls apart in my brain again.

I was raised religiously enough. As I grew older and older, I started realizing how possible it is that nothing is true about any religion. I don't know if this is exactly considered atheism. I am more in a situation where I am actually afraid I'm gonna turn into an atheist.

The reason why this happens to me is because I start to believe that since I am, definitely, going to die, if there is no afterlife, my actual "life" has no meaning at all. The more I think about it, the more I see no reason in getting through so many hardships, to end up dying. Even if a become a hero, even if I build an empire or a legacy, when I die, nothing will matter to me. At all. It will matter to the living, but NOT to me. And what if the living are just a fiction of my existence? Does my world die with me, since nothing matters to myself after my death? Is what I am saying egoistic? I can't understand.

I think that a part of me still believes in religion. I think I believe in something. But the fear that compels me is that the reason why I believe is because I need to. And if there really is nothing when our bodies become ashes, then, much as this is a cliché, the only meaning to life, is love. Don't die, because the ones you love will be devastated. Don't die, because they need you. Don't die, because unlike you, they want to live.

And right now I think I should really see a psychologist.