Des nuits blanches

My sister is out of town these days, and I am extremely lonely. I must admit I have never been more jealous of people travelling than right now - whenever someone gets a chance to go abroad, I want to jump in their suitcase and follow them wherever they are going.

I've been a mess since Sunday night. Kept sleeping at 4am, and even then not very willingly. Truth be told, I don't enjoy staying up late. I like sleeping early and waking up at 9am or earlier, enjoy a big sunny day, whether it's a winter or a summer one.

My room was a real dump. Clothes and shoes were all around, the beds were messy, and there was a corner filled with books and empty bags that is so packed it could become a mouse nest without me even noticing. I wasn't in the best condition either - I hadn't showered for a while, kept my hair in a ponytail to avoid the cigarette smell they had picked up and wore the exact same pjs and robe for more than I can remember. Whenever degenerate to this state it's hard for me to get out. My plans for today were to get up, clean the room, have a nice hot bath and feel decent again.

However one of the reasons I was feeling so unwilling to help myself was the fact that my balcony shutters are jammed and can't be opened unless blown to smithereens, living my room unlit and poorly ventilated. I can't get myself to do much when I am unable to see the sun in the morning, which is one of the reasons I was keeping the whole house shut when I was depressed as a teenager: I didn't want to be in a good and energetic mood.

Even so, I was feeling so uncomfortable being slimy and untidy that I eventually cleaned up in the afternoon. I even discovered a briefcase full of half-used spiral notebooks and blank papers. I rarely use paper anymore but for sketching, so I kept them to give them to my sister who is still at school. I afterwards dipped my face and hair in extra virgin olive and yogurt (it's a Mediterranean kind of mask I like to use once in a while) and took a long hot bath, finishing with a body scrub I've gotten from Bodyshop, that makes the whole bathroom smell like cranberries, let alone my skin. I must admit I feel so much better. Tidying up and showering is one of my favorite routines, and the best remedy the help me fight migraines. I can't guarantee it will work for everyone but it sure does for me.

Now I'm all snuggled up inside my bed. I haven't talked to my boyfriend all day long and it feels a little bitter. Much as I'd love to meet him and sleep in his arms, I really do not feel like talking to him right now. It must be the first time in my life I don't want anyone to know how fucked up my psyche is. I sometimes get carried away and start talking about how I find my existence meaningless, but all this gets me is words of sympathy that I'm so fed up with, or even irony, in some cases. I don't need that and I don't need to whine. That's what this blog is for. Right now all I want is not to be left alone, and this is how I keep ending up.