It has been a long time I wanted to create a new blog. An anonymous, purely new, not bounded by anything blog. And the reason for this is because yesterday I realized that I don't really want to live anymore.
However, ending your life is a selfish and cowardly thing to do, and the Internet is so full of people hating their lives, cutting or pretending to be cutting their wrists. Once my sister was chatting with that boy online and he told her he was going to kill himself 'cause she cyber-rejected him, then logged off. Two days later he was back online, only to go offline when my sis asked "You not dead yet?"
So, no, I do not hate my life. I quite love it actually. What I do hate, is my future. The fact that I'm slowly growing old, the decisions I will have to be making, the situations I know I will be put through. But I kind of have to stay alive. What has mostly been troubling me about death, is the fact that people will be living here after I'm gone. This way, I'm not just ending my life, I'm also destroying theirs too. And I would rather dip my entire head in shit than destroy the lives of my loved ones.
Another thing I have been thinking is the perception of life itself. Being a selfish person, and having started thinking about death, I had this crazy idea that life might just be something I created. Not in a godly way, but in the meaning that as I cease to exist, so does everything around me. All I experience occurs because I am living. If I could get myself to seriously believe that, maybe I would feel less guilt when dying about living people behind.
I'm am starting this blog, because I am tired of talking to people. I feel as if whenever I speak about my problems they disappear, thus putting my troubles in a sort of hiatus only to come back and get buried, then reborn again. And I am sick of this happening whenever I get my period. This time I'm not telling anyone, but you, if you are reading this.
As you may notice (or have noticed already) English is not my mother language. I have considered writing in French, but this way not only do I decrease the possibility of someone reading and actually understanding what I'm talking about, but I also significantly limit my vocabulary, given that my french is a lot more formal and business-oriented compared to my English, that is a whole lot more casual and that I use almost daily.
I don't even know if I'll manage to keep blogging. Maybe I'll get bored, maybe I will lose interest, this tends to happen to me a lot. Maybe I'm just going through a stupid phase, or I'll forget my password and email address, or I'll even delete this tomorrow out of embarrassment.
For now, I'll just try to break all my blogging clichés and talk about something interesting, usually ending it with a song that triggered my will to write it.
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