Panique

I had a really bad day.

I was at this party last night and drank quite a lot until about 3am. I got back home in the morning only to wake up four hours later shaking as if I had a really bad fever. After unsuccessfully trying to vomit several times, I realized that my condition was not due to hangover - it was a panic attack.

Understanding that you are having a panic attack is not an easy task, especially if it's your first one. This was my third, I think. I tend to get panic attacks when I travel abroad and feel that I am in a dead end situation, and that was the first time I got one at home so it took me some time to figure it out.

During my first panic attack, I was utterly fucked up. I had travelled for about twelve hours to find myself in a cold hotel in the middle of nowhere. My symptoms were inability to see properly (letters and numbers kept changing places before my eyes and that scared me more than anything else), insomnia, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, stomachache, trembling, and fear of dying away from home. So after consuming some strange local powdered medicine thingy, I was saved by a friend who arrived later on and told me those are all panic attack symptoms and that she had experienced them as well. And, the only way to get through a panic attack (without pills and that kind of shit of course) is realizing you are having one, and then "rationalize" your fear. Once you've done the first, you're halfway there. Most symptoms wear off by then but you still get to have that nauseated feeling on your chest as well as insomnia to some point, until you fully get over what is causing you to panic.

So what caused my panic attack? This may sound funny to you, but a guy at the party hit on me, quite persistently. I already have a boyfriend that I cherish and love but since I had the chance I though some flirting wouldn't hurt. I didn't even think of cheating, not for one second. Besides I never have casual one night stands, mostly because of my fear of STDs and other crap you can get from someone you have never met before, even when using protection. Come to think of it more carefully, I was not even that flirty. I was more like friendly, but from the first moment I saw the guy I felt the chemistry between us. Anyhow, in the beginning things were going smoothly. I think what gave me away was a random look I gave him after drinking had lost its effects on me, yet not on him. And so it started - I've never been cornered so intensively in my life. It may come as a surprise to many of you, but I don't like being hit on when I'm not single. Not at all. It was not long before "I can see what you want" and a couple of kisses on the cheek turned into "Does your man fuck you well?" being hissed underneath my hair and in my ear. Once the whole thing started I was constantly avoiding its continuation but I only ended up feeling like a corpse being stalked by a hungry condor. I found myself crying in the bathroom next to me best friend who was trying to console me.

To sum up, I think that my panic attack was caused by plain guilt. My behaviour was unusual. I am an aggressive person, I don't let guys come close to me, but yesterday I did. I may have not opened my legs and nodded "Come fuck me" but I was a whole lot more acceptive than usual. And it so happened that my prey was not in mood to flirt, but to empty his sack. I failed.

You could say I'm overreacting - I most certainly am. I know this is the least of my problems at this point in my life. The reason I shared this experience with you is not only because I need to get things out of my system (which is mostly what this blog is for) but to let you know how easily a silly matter can mess with your head.

And that it's usually not worth it.